NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE

NEVER GIVE UP ON LOVE
BY DR. MONA LOVE

A s Valentine’s Day is upon us, whether you find yourself with that special someone or, if you’re without that special valentine to call your own, I want you to do one thing, “Never Give up on Love”. Terry McMillan helped people all around the world understand that there are sisters still out here waiting to exhale. Since you know I'm not going to front, I can honestly say I'm one of those sisters. What, “Waiting to Exhale” means to me is, I am waiting to be with that special partner that accentuates my desire to be in a loving and committed relationship and I do the same for him.

If you’re riding the tailwind of coming out of a bad relationship, divorce or, some other type of situation that negatively impacted you, I think there is that desire to compensate for that hurt and pain. I know in my case it was like that, and sometimes we are very unaware of it. When we’re unaware that we need the space to heal or we don’t acknowledge our need to heal we’re definitely headed for trouble.

Sometimes making mistakes is just the thing we need to help us realize we need to wake up and rediscover our dynamic feminine principle. We need to bury the 1feminine mystique that still functions within our consciousness and society, to suppress the liberation of feelings and emotions we need to express. The suppression of our feeling and emotions causes us to fall back into what is perceived as acceptable ways for us to perform and behave, ways that keep us enslaved to a quasi-feminine mystique.

Sometimes in an effort for us to try to heal our pain we rush into another relationship or sometimes into another brother’s bed and what we need to realized about this method is that it doesn’t work!!! How can we be uninformed or lacking good sense for trying to recover fragmented pieces of ourselves? Just know we’re not sense-less, it’s just the method we feel compelled to use that is. A brother will never help us recover the pieces of our fragmented self, that’s something we can’t place in the hands of another human being. We got to take our time and just say No! Say no to engaging in any type of sexual activities with another person to soon, and definitely say no to any man that treats us less than the way we feel we deserve to be treated.

The sexual activities part can work both ways. It could be great sex but the woman could get lost in the greatness and not really understand who she’s in the relationship with, until it’s too late. If it’s bad sex then we definitely know this is a one night stand but, either way the matter is very complex sometimes things go all kind of ways.

There is an innate mental construct that functions deep within us as women, that causes us to feel like we “Have to be in a relationship”, and that we “Have to surrender sexually to a dominate male”. The chain of this cycle needs to be broken. There are plenty of men out here that are making perfectly good use of this fact, in an attempt to sleep with us, that’s just a fact! We have that same desire to give of ourselves sexually to recover, to connect and, to obtain some type of relationship. We as women have to turn this around if we really want to attract that loving and committed man into our life.

Desperation usually leads to isolation and/or, alienation. Desperation means you lost hope, at least for the meantime and we should never lose hope that we will find a loving and committed relationship and we should definitely, “Never give up on love.” Love comes to those who expect for it to come! We have a right to ask the Universe for love and we also have that same right to get it. We are taught that it’s not ok to ask for love and we don’t even think about doing something like that but, asking for love is only an indication that we’re ready for it and possess it within ourselves. Instead we suppress it and never acknowledge it, so guess what it never comes. I strongly recommend you get Deepak Chopra’s audio book or book “The Path to love” if you go to http://deepakchopra.wwwhubs.com/chopra6.htm you can read an online excerpt from this dynamically spiritual book that will lay the ground work for recovering the fragments of self. It will get you on the road to healing you, and finding true love.

I think another key, is to understand ourselves and what it is we really want in a mate. Women and men alike are confused on this matter we think we know but, when we get out there and interact we demonstrate, we don’t really know at all. We send mixed messages and, often times this un-decidedness is wrapped in the denial that we don’t have a right to ask for love or it's not necessary to ask for love. If you feel you don’t have a right to ask for love then you’ll never get it. So, this causes us to act in confusing ways because in one dimension we desire love and in the other we reject the need. I think a useful tool that can help us identify our “Love Language” and understand how we communicate love is a book by Gary Chapman, entitled the “The Five Love Languages” or, you can go to:
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ and learn more about Gary’s work and learn the 5 languages. You take the free online assessment to find out your “Love Language”, by scrolling down to the bottom of the page and clicking take assessment tab. This will help you identify the way you communicate and receive love.

So here is a rundown of 5 keys to inviting love in your life

1. Give yourself the Space to Heal After a Break-up, Divorce or, Bad Love Relationship. Remember healing is a process and you'll need all the support and nurturing you can get. Take the time to love YOU. Surround yourself with positive and supportive people

Give yourself the time to come to terms with what happened and assess what it is you really need in a loving relationship. Write it down on paper. Identify with what makes you feel good about being in a relationship. By tapping into positive energy you can begin to heal all those negative feelings.

2. Take things slow

Don’t be in a rush and definitely don’t jump into anyone’s bed too quickly. Take your time to find out if the two of you have anything in common. By making sure that the two of you share common ground is a wonderful way to start a loving committed relationship. Give it a minimum of 3 months before you get intimate. Allow for the chase and most importantly have fun together. Take the time to really get to know each other.

3. Ask For Love

By asking the Universe for love shows that you are ready for it and possess it. Asking for love is one of the naturalist and best things to do in order to get it. Love is here to help us all heal and loving relationships are no different they have the same effect they always help you heal on some kind of level. When you ask for love you get it!

4. Clear up the Confusion

Women and men alike get confused about what it is the really are looking for in a loving relationship. A lot of times we think we really, really know what it is we are looking for in a partner and trying to figure it out in action can be rough. Don’t put another person or yourself through the drama. Take the time to understand and know what it is you desire in a mate and then be open to finding it. This is where I find Dr. Gary Chapman’s work useful it really helps you understand and know your personal love language and we all have one. Knowing what you need is key and we all have very different needs.

5. Learn From Past Mistakes

The most important thing that any of us can do is learn from our mistakes what I find is that we keep on making the same old relationship mistakes again and again. And they always keep coming back dressed in different disguises but, it’s always the same dynamic. By following your heart and not your mind you can’t go wrong. A lot of our inability to learn, grow and, move on has to do with our not operating in new paradigms. Our Models for love growing up did not give us good examples and in order to truly forgive others short comings it requires love in operation. We have a hard time forgiving self-let alone others. We have to redefine love, operate in new behavioral paradigms and learn from our mistakes in order to move forward.

It is real, real nice to exhale it’s nothing short of miraculous and if I can exhale so can all women and, I bet we have some men too for that matter. I’m doing things by a whole new set of standards. I follow my heart and look for those qualities I really desire in a man and I gravitate towards them irrespective of all other qualities. I’m breathing now and have never felt more alive.


Notes

1.The unfulfilled feeling felt by educated housewives, specifically referencing the 50s and 60s, wherein the housewife lost her identity and sense of self to a life centered around a husband, children, and home maintenance and little else. It was a trap felt by American women who were afraid to address the problem for fear of being perceived as "unfeminine" for not having orgasms mopping the kitchen floor

Contributions:

IsaiahJ & MS gave me a male perspective on the love and dating Scene

Links:

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_definition_of_feminine_mystique#ixzz1Dw5Daaoq to http://deepakchopra.wwwhubs.com/chopra6.htm
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/


Written by Dr. Mona Love January 7th 2011